(The prelude to this post is here).
There was probably not a person I came into contact with the week before my reading that I did not regale with the story about my weekend plans with my new psychic. I was STOKED for this life experience. I mean, this woman claims to talk to dead people. Like that spooky white kid in the movie. And John Edward on “Crossing Over”. Best. Show. Ever.
Plus, in order to see The Rev (she is a reverend, apparently, though it is unclear for what sort of church), you have to be referred by somebody she has read before and you have to take an orientation class before you get there. So I feel like I’m kind of in this super special club.
But the ‘orientation’ was pretty ghetto: it’s a number you call and then you listen to this 30 minute voice mail which just sort of ends abruptly while she is mid-sentence. Apparently she spared no expense for orientation. But whatever – it went over what she does and how she does it so you don’t waste time asking her about it when you’re there. I’m all about efficiency, so sounded good to me. Here were the main points:
- Dead people talk to her. Dead people who know you. And watch you.
- Dead people don’t give a fuck about time, so whatever they tell her could have happened already or maybe it’s happening now or maybe it will happen in the future (which comes in handy, doesn’t it?).
- If the dead people tell her any details about your death or that you have cancer or something, she is going to keep that to herself. She will not tell you anything that could be traumatizing. In my case, she also will not tell me when/if Oprah is going to die – for obvious reasons.
- The dead speak to her in a way she processes visually – so she doesn’t hear them, but they “show” her things. When they are trying to say a name, they spell it, but they spell slowly, so she is going to take liberties and if they show her say, “M”, she is going to say “Michael”, “Matthew”, “Mark”….until either you say you know what she is talking about or the dead person spells the damn name.
- They also show her pictures, so they could be metaphors for something or literally that thing. So sometimes she gets weird stuff and she’ll let you know because they may be an inside joke that you’d get but she wouldn’t. She says she often has to do some translating.
- If she tells you about something and you don’t “acknowledge” it, by telling her you know what she is talking about, she can’t move on. The dead require your acknowledgment before they will continue playing Pictionary with her.
- She says that whatever they are telling her are things that you can change, so if she warns you not to drunk dial your ex and you do, she totally called it and she wins. If you don’t because of her advice, she totally helped you avoid a bad situation and she wins. You see how this works?
- If you’re a minute late, fuck you – she starts the clock precisely when your appointment starts, whether your ass is there or not, and you’re paying for the whole thing. She takes cash money. No pay pal. No plastic.
Okay, so those were the ground rules. Oh yeah, and something about not drinking within 24 hours of the reading because your energy will suck. I conveniently forgot about that part because depriving my body of its nightly wine break is some crazy shit that I’m not going to dabble in, even if the psychic says.
The Rev lives in the middle of fucking nowhere, so it took what seemed like a million years to get there (so like, 90 minutes) and apparently the address she uses doesn’t show up on Google Maps right, so good luck finding the fucking place. Needless to say, we were 4 minutes late and I was scheduled first. She wasn’t kidding. Clock was ticking when I walked in.
She does this is a shrink’s office who wasn’t working. It was a weird set up, where she just kind of tapes her name on the door when he isn’t around. But I was a little relieved I wasn’t in her house because what are the odds she doesn’t own 54 cats? I’m allergic to those mean mother fuckers, and plus I was expecting the lady from Poltergeist to answer the door and tell me to go into the light in her bedroom closet and I probably would have and then I’d probably get molested by zombies and while I’m open to new experiences, zombie molestation does not top the list.
But whatever. So The Rev? She was probably in her late 40s, had hair from the 80s (feathered) and she was wearing a purple muu muu. She reminded me of my music teacher when I was in elementary school, in the 80s (go figure). Also a cat person, no doubt. And she was about to tell me everything I wanted to know about my future but was afraid to ask. The dead people were going to help out too. So the first thing that happens is that she gives me a flyer for a “healing” she was going to do next month and wanted to let me know about it.
The fuck? I’m not paying you to tell me about your upcoming jamboree and I’m four fucking minutes late, so I want to speak to my dead people NOW. Perhaps she picked up on my negative energy, or maybe she got the message when I crumpled the paper and my sweaty palms, but we moved on quickly from there.
She asked me to stand up and hold her hands. I complied. She said the “Our Father” and invited me to join her. I opted out because I was pretty sure this is exactly how it all started with the priests for the poor bastards who had to be altar boys in the 1970s. Nothankyouverymuch.
She finishes with some gobbledy gook about love and peace and energy and I took some deep breaths and my annoying Type A ass kind of chilled out for a minute. She let go of my hands and we sat down and here is what she told me in a nutshell and in this order:
- I’m going to do something to my left ankle or shin that hurts like a bitch. (Can’t wait!)
- My beloved grandma was coming through (She is the only dead person I really give much thought to. I named my daughter after her. I love that woman).
- Apparently she was with my uncle, who is coming through as a “spirit baby”, meaning this uncle was miscarried or died as a child. (Grams had four sons and miscarried her fifth child. Goosebumps.)
- She asked me who “B” was. I didn’t know. She offered Bob and Bill. Bill is my grandpa. (While she was alive they were exactly like McAdams and Gosling in The Notebook. I mean, they loved each other as much as Lady Gaga loves
copyingMadonna.) So Grams first wanted to acknowledge my Gramps, who still cries about her 7 years after we lost her. Aww…
- Apparently we went from that to talking about some sort of eye infection that a opthamologist will have to intervene in. It was unclear whether this was about me or about him.
- Then a bunch of other spirit babies showed up. She insisted my mom lost a baby and my ‘sister’ was there. I was like “Wha? No.” and then I remembered: Shit. My mom did lose a baby when she was preggers with my actual sister. She tells me that my spirit sister plays with my children. Oh. Wait, what? Weird.
- She says that there is another spirit baby who is my nephew. He wants to be acknowledged. Who knew there were so many baby spirits that weren’t born? (At this point I’m like, do we really need to talk about every baby in my family that wasn’t born? This is depressing).
- So then she says who is [my dog’s A name], [another A name], [my son’s A name]? She was doing the name thing where she just starts guessing names because she sees an “AN” (in this case). My son’s name was third. I acknowledged it. She told me he is a handful and a daredevil (he is) and that I need to keep him safe by ensuring he wears helmets and pads when he goes outside. She says she sees Evel Kenevil – but then quickly tells me she isn’t call him “evil” – it’s the motorcycle guy. Yes. I know. She advises me to try to wear him out because he’ll just get himself into danger. WAIT. What? Is he in danger, I ask. No. The dead people are just saying he is crazy is all. Um, okay?
- Then she says who is [S Name], [S Name],[My other son’s name]? Whoa. She is pretty good. I acknowledged and she moved on.
- She says I have another child. I acknowledge she is correct. Okay, I’m getting [MA name], [MA name], [MA name that is the male version of my daughter’s name]. Are you shitting me? I acknowledge my daughter. She moves on.
- She starts laughing and says “I don’t know why they’re showing me this…but you’ll be a grandmother to twins. I usually don’t get things that far out, but congratulations.” I said I hoped they were really far out. She said oh yeah – 18 or 20 years. Okay…
- Then she says, who is [initial of my husband & my mom]? I waited. She said [name], [BD’s name]…and it was like, holy shit. Seriously? I acknowleged my husband. She said his deceased grandfather was there and was showing her a fish which could mean they liked to fish, or it was Pisces or a cholesterol issue. Really?
- So I offer that BD sometimes has cholesterol readings that are high. She latches. Tells me that I have to intervene to save his heart and then she starts going through her purse and finally pulls out this massive pack of vitamins (I shit you not) and tells me all the vitamins (CoQ10, Garlic, Fish Oil, etc.) I should force my husband to take so he doesn’t make me a widow too early. What? Then she starts talking about her own husband who eats too much fast food and how she threatened to leave him if he didn’t change his ways. Wait. Isn’t this reading about me? ME. Lets come back to ME and MY life. But so then she tells me to write down a website where I can get really high quality vitamins for him. WHAAAT? Does she own stock in a GNC on the side for Christ’s sake? And is BD okay? I mean, should I be worried? I’m feeling a little traumatized here.
- She says “your heart is fine (and it is), but you need to get more fiber. Your issues are in your intestines and colon. Eat 30/35g of fiber a day. I like to have yogurt with Fiber One on top each morning”. Again, TMI. I don’t give a fuck what you had for breakfast.
- I’m usually not this bitchy, but I’m all wound up now.
- She says time is up, but I can ask a question. I ask about my career. She correctly guesses I’m in sales and tells me my job is too stressful and doesn’t pay enough. She tells me to update my resume and get out of dodge before I get a pink slip. Problem is, I just got a new job. One I’m definitely enjoying. For once. I mean, hopefully with this whole “time doesn’t matter” thing, she meant my last job? Then she advises me not to take the first job that comes along because it will look really good to begin with, but they’ll make me a “work horse and slave”. Fuck. Did I really get the wrong damn job again? She did say if I wait for the right thing, I’ll get a low stress, more money position. But you know what? She was supposed to tell me to get the fuck out of corporate America because I have an awesome future doing stuff I love. But she didn’t. So it ended on a downer.
So there I am, left to figure out what the hell just happened for the last 26 minutes. I felt a little lightheaded and creeped out.
I mean, she named my children! And she guessed the first name of my grandpa, and my husband. And it wasn’t like at other times she was naming names I didn’t know. I mean, all of them she was right on with within three names. How could she know their names? And all the miscarriages and baby spirits and stuff? That is fucked up.
So then all the stuff she said has me all worried about my son and his dare-devil behavior because I’ve always had the sense I had to worry about him since they laid him in my arms after birth, so that was kind of a sore spot for me. And then whether my husband is going to have a heart attack or something. The grandfather who allegedly came through died young of a massive heart attack. I mean, what did that all mean?
So the Rev got under my skin a little. All the fun and games of yesteryear suddenly weren’t so fun. Even if she was guessing, she guessed right a lot about the things I can verify. As for the things I cannot so far, time will tell. I’m just waiting until I break my ankle and if/when that happens, if you want to talk to dead people, I’ve got just the person for you…