Seriously – my husband, my children, my dog and I narrowly escaped death two days ago, and all because I was trying to cook up some nutrient-rich vegetables, namely tater tots, for my children. But actually that is only the middle part of the story, so let me try to rehash what happened with my remaining brain cells which have not been altered forever by this unfortunate mishap.
Okay, so we’re planning to paint the kitchen this weekend, and by “we”, I mean BD. BD is very methodical person, so he has been readying the kitchen walls by fixing any holes and spackling and sanding and cleaning and other stuff to get ready for the big painting day. But BD is incapable of doing anything without first removing all items from a room before he begins his work. He and I could not be more different on this point. I say, leave everything as it is and throw a tarp over it and do whatever you have to do. He says, take out EVERYTHING in the damn kitchen, including shelves, rugs, the 800 random papers magneted to the refrigerator, and anything necessary to cook anything. He gets his way since he is doing all the work. We’ve been married long enough that I no longer ridicule his methods, because at the end of the day everything gets done just so and he does a good job. Oh, and because it gets me nowhere.
While it’s a pain in the ass to have all the kitchen clutter now cluttering the dining room, I was secretly overjoyed he didn’t remove the microwave. Seriously, it made my day. I’m not sure why that appliance was spared, but THANK GOD. But now he’ll probably read this and be like, “Why didn’t I remove the microwave?! Perhaps I should”. And then I’m S.O.L. But actually I’m pretty confident I’m safe because he has a reason for everything so I’m sure that he weighed the pros and cons carefully and there must be some reason it remains. Maybe because 50% of his diet consists of Hot Pockets and he might starve to death without the microwave. I digress.
Okay, so my kitchen has been all fucked up for the week, which I’m actually pretty okay with because then I have so many more excuses to just order in. I loathe cooking, so it’s working out really well for me. But Wednesday I felt guilty because I hadn’t made anything in a while, so I wanted to do something really fancy. So out came the frozen chicken nuggets and nutritious tater tots. The nuggets are supposed to be cooked at 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes. The tater tots, on the other hand, require a temperature of 450 and must cook for 16-18 minutes. I’m not trying to brag or anything, but it takes a very experienced cook to bake both of these foodstuffs on the same cookie sheet in a single oven at the same time and have them turn out awesome, like I can. So it was a really fancy dinner, like I said.
Okay, so I decide to preheat the oven to 425, the average of the nuggets and tater tot recommended heating temperatures. Oh SNAP! See, how that just happened? Now I’m giving you all of my closely guarded culinary secrets. And this isn’t even a foodie blog, but look at all the super tips you can learn! But seriously, this isn’t for the novice. It may take you a few tries to get it just right. Just be careful. Because you might wind up killing your whole family, as I almost did.
So when I turned on the oven it wasn’t but 20 seconds or so when I smelled something a little funny. I couldn’t really figure out what it was, but I know that BD put a new drywall patch in behind the stove, so I thought maybe it was kind of heating up for the first time and giving off an odor. Instead of checking out my hypothesis, I just shrugged my shoulders and took my place on the couch to watch the Polar Express with my kids for the 573rd time since December 15. Looking back on this, I don’t think just shrugging my shoulders was the appropriate response. However, I cannot change the past, so…my bad.
Okay, so then about 10 minutes go by and my dog starts running around in circles and kind of being annoying and just as I begin to chastise her for this weird behavior, two alarms go off. One is the oven alerting me that the oven is preheated. The other is the carbon monoxide/fire detector. My first thought is: “We have a fire detector in the kitchen? That’s awesome. How safe are we? I must give BD a fist bang for his thoroughness”. Yes, though all objects used to cook or serve food with were missing from the kitchen, he did not remove the fire detector.
I quickly snapped out of the blissful mood caused by this discovery because the fire detector going off isn’t usually a sign of good things. I run into the kitchen and there is a weird fog in there and it smells pretty gnarly. I hadn’t even put the damn food in yet, so what could be causing this craziness? I throw open the oven and – Holy. Shit.
You know those plastic tub things with a matching pitcher to put beverages in that they give you at the hospital? I don’t know if we’re the only ones who took ours home after each of the boys was born, but they make really good vomit bins (I’m pretty sure that is their sole purpose in the hospital?) or soaking tubs for other stuff. Well, one we use for the first purpose, the other one we use for pre-soaking our dishes. Apparently it must have been in BD’s way, because he decided a good place to put it would be the oven. Not the dining room with the rest of the shit. In the oven, on the top rack.
And now. Now it was melting all over the racks and dripping plastic into the bottom of the oven. “HOLY SHIT!” I screamed, not only for the sight in the oven, but from the toxic cloud that came out of it when I opened the door. BD ran in at that moment and he too exclaimed “HOLY SHIT” (though it would have been more original of him to drop an F-bomb. Just saying.) and it quickly became clear his mission was to save our oven from being ruined with melted yellow plastic all over the bottom.
Okay, so to recap, I try to make tater tots but in the process I cook a 13″ by 9″ by 5″ plastic bin at 425 degrees instead. And then my kitchen kind of resembled what I can only guess Chernobyl looked like minutes before it spewed radioactive waste all over Russia. The smell!! Oh my God. My eyes were watering and my throat became raspy. Luckily, even a fire alarm and two swearing parents did not seem like a good enough reason for my sons to avert their eyes from The Polar Express and they didn’t come running in to inhale the nastiness that used to be the oxygen in my home.
BD immediately got down on his hands and knees and started scraping the oven while the plastic was still hot. I stood there swearing and repeating several times that I didn’t think this was good. Nope. Not good at all. I managed to open all the doors and windows to let the snow and 23 degree air in to ventilate the house. Then I did the most important thing of all – I Googled “burned plastic fumes danger” to see if I might get a hit or two. I read the first few things that came up and everyone was pretty much in agreement that either cyanide or deadly dioxins or carbon monoxide was being released into the air and that me and my family were about to die. If not immediately from asphyxiation, then later from cancer.
Fuck. So then I told BD that we had to evacuate the kids and the dog and ourselves. “You go! I’ll stay! Save yourself. Get the kids!” He yelled, valiantly. He’d be damned if he’s going to leave and let that plastic harden on the bottom of the oven. “No seriously, YOU are getting cancer right now! You may already have it. The Internet said.” That didn’t move him. “You are about to die of carbon monoxide poisoning! By the time you feel it, it will be too late. We’re all going to die if we don’t leave soon!” That is about the time when he decided to finally abandon the oven, but it was more because he had already pretty much cleaned the whole thing up — it just happened to coincide with my promise that we were all about to die. After we pried the children away from the TV and quickly put on their boots, coats, mittens and hats (so like, 20 minutes later) and were sheparding them out of the house, I had a great idea for dinner.
Oooh! It’s free pie Wednesday at Baker’s Square! “Honey, can you go back in there and get our gift certificate? We should just bring the kids there for dinner and by the time we come home, maybe the carcinogens will have left our home and traveled into the atmosphere and then we won’t have to worry about them any more!” He went back in the cancer fog and got it. And we went to Baker’s Square and got our free pie. And thankfully, nobody died. But we probably will all have cancer in a few weeks. I’ll let you know, but I am being responsible and taking out more life insurance on BD stat.
When we got home, it still smelled terrible, but the chemical smoke/fog was no longer there. I think most of the dangerous chemicals probably just adhered to most of the surfaces in the kitchen and were no longer in the air anymore, so I figured we were safe. Except there on the counter were the lonely, forgotten tater tots. On the cookie sheet, looking forlorn, just waiting to be cooked. And I thought to myself: “I could save these, right? Just put them back in the bag and freeze them up? I’d hate to waste nutritious vegetables…”, but then I remembered they almost just killed my whole family. And there were more in the freezer. So I threw them away. But not without some regret.