High Infidelity

I know I shouldn’t care and it’s none of my business and it’s a little disgusting and disturbing, but I’m obsessed with this whole Tiger-Woods-cheating-on-his-wife-with-several-bleached-blonde-VIP-club-waitresses thing.  I’m not totally sure why. Well, I’ll admit to being quite intrigued by the whole story that Elin beat him with a golf club (the irony!), which of course is awesome.  But I just want his wife to slap his face and walk away. I feel like she must leave him or maybe I’ll die.  Why the outcome of this fiasco is meaningful in any way to me is disturbs me, but somehow it matters.  Like I want to yell, “Elin, don’t let this boy DO you like that! Walk out on his punk ass and don’t look back!” But I don’t know him or her. Or about their pre-nup, which I think matters a lot when you’re one of the most famous/talented people in the world.  I mean, as evidenced by my very scientific poll (question 3) way back when, I have always thought that women that marry rock stars or professional athletes are crazy if they think their man isn’t cheating, but golfers don’t count. At least, until now. But thanks to Cheetah Tiger, I’ll add them to the list.

But I’m completely naive about these matters.  Marital infidelity is something I have a hard time wrapping my mind around.  I just don’t understand why you don’t just leave someone if you want to cheat on them.  Just admit you suck at being married, get a divorce, and then sleep with whoever, whenever you want. But don’t do it while you’re married, behind your spouse’s back and kiss your kids goodnight like you’re not totally fucking up their whole world because you’re horny.

I’ve never been tempted to cheat on my husband. Perhaps it’s because neither Angelina Jolie nor Milo Ventimiglia has begged me to have sex with them, or maybe it’s because cheating on my husband would devastate him, and our children and our families and undo everything we’ve done together.  Or maybe it’s because I’ve never understood casual relationships/sex. I’ve never had a one night stand. Not for any sort of moral/ethical/religious reason – more because it would introduce too many unknowns for me. I’m a binary person that likes things settled. Things are black or they are white. You’re married or you aren’t. You’re in love or you’re not. You’re with somebody or you aren’t.  Oprah is your BFF or she isn’t.  It’s hard for me tolerate “it’s complicated” or “lets not put a label on it” or “let’s just see what happens”.  So I just don’t get how you can live a life being married to someone, but cheating on them and lying about it all the time.  I’m just a total Pollyanna on this subject — I can’t help myself.

I’m 33 years old, so I should have this figured out. Or understand it a little. And YET,  when married men hit on me I’m always completely surprised by it.  Especially when it’s a married man who knows I’m also married.  I’ve found myself in this situation way more than I think is logically probable, which causes it to dawn on me WAY later than it should.  Generally this occurs sometime during what I think is a routine lunch meeting, but which he thinks is his chance to get laid.  When they start getting shady (one guy told me nonchalantly, completely out of the blue:  “I really like small breasted women, like about your size,  because my wife’s breasts are so large. Clothes just don’t fit on her as well as they do on you.”  To which my mind replies : “Oh dear Jesus! We’re not talking about business anymore.  He totally wants to sleep with me! He’s married!! I’m married!! How could he even think for a second I’m interested in him like that? Ew…. EWWWWW… Must. Get. Out of here. FAST.”

I totally panic like a deer caught in headlights when a guy starts getting suggestive because in my world, if you’re married, you’re married, so you’re not making it a top priority to get in my pants.  But apparently I’ve run into several men that don’t share that world view.  And then I spend the next week wondering why, of all the chicks in the world he could be spending his time trying to sleep with, he chose me.  Me, who is married with two young kids. Me, who has absolutely zero interest in him outside of work, who does not flirt with him or dress provocatively.  Me, with tiny boobs and glasses and a muffin top. But also me, who is intelligent, charismatic, hilarious, pretty awesome and completely modest. And married. Do I look like some one who wants another woman’s husband? What makes him think he could even compete for a second with my husband?  Honestly, I’m baffled by this.  Why me?

But I think I finally may have got an answer today I can live with.  I brought up the whole Tiger Woods thing (because I’m obsessed with it, as I said) with a totally random British male coworker about 28 years my senior today. He was saying he was totally sick of the story and couldn’t get why Americans even care when people cheat, since cheating is so rampant here.  He travels a lot on business and says that he is never at a hotel where he doesn’t find married people having affairs all over the place. Really? I guess I’ve never noticed, but then again, I probably wouldn’t see it if it slapped me in the face, because I don’t look for it and I like to pretend it doesn’t happen.

I told him I’ve had several of my clients want to turn a totally normal business relationship into some type of sexual/romantic relationship, and all of them were married and all of them knew I was married as well.  “Well, I don’t know you very well, but I would say it’s easy to see why they would hit on you.  You’re a very open, transparent and funny.  I bet you talk to them about their families. Most people aren’t like that, so you probably make your customers feel so comfortable and they mistake your openness for romantic interest in them.” Reeeally?  I make my living selling.  Salespeople are supposed to show interest in their clients.  I just never thought that asking a client something like, “Did your son win his soccer game this weekend? ” would so easily be translated by that man into “do you want to have a torrid, illicit affair in the back of my Subaru?”.  Maybe I should stop asking my clients about their kids.

Per June’s comment, I put this back in:

Oprah had a dude on her show that said the reason that men cheat on their wives is that they don’t feel their wife thinks they are “special” or important or awesome.  So in order to prop up their fragile egos, they will go out and find someone to have an affair with who does make them feel special and manly and awesome.  The kicker is that almost always the women men cheat on their wives with are less attractive, less educated, and pretty much less everything than their wife.  So I guess I must make my male clients all feel special and loved.  But then that means that if they want to have an affair with me, they also think I’m less attractive than their wives. And I’m offended by that.  Assholes.  Next time one of my clients literally wants to screw me, I’ll remember that they think their wife is hotter and I’ll just kick them in their old balls.  Then maybe their wife won’t seem so bad after all.

7 responses to “High Infidelity

  1. I have no awesome comment but I totally laughed out loud at the last paragraph. I just noticed you cut it out! Why?! It’s hilarious! But yes I share your confusion on why people would cheat and destroy everything they’ve built? My friend’s husband left her a few months ago for a woman who was uglier, fatter, and less educated than my friend. I was mystified but I guessed that maybe he didn’t feel manly enough with my friend since she was smarter than him and made more money. Guess the dude on Oprah was right in this case.

    From Love – Yeah, I thought the last paragraph was too random. My ADD was even bothering me. Perhaps I will write it back in. But yeah – I don’t know whether it would be worse if my husband left me for a chick that was better looking than me or worse looking. I think worse looking would be best, but then you have to be like, “For real? You left me for that hideous beast? Was I really that bad to be married to?” But then if she is smoking hot, you’re all “I’m a hideous beast! No wonder he left me!….but I wonder if they’d consider a threesome…” 😉

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention High Infidelity « (Love) Notes To Self -- Topsy.com

  3. Wow you are violent. But they deserve it. Cheaters deserve… wait what? Threesome.

    From Love – Yeah, I’m just saying if she is smoking hot, I’d want to suggest a threesome just to make sure she has cellulite too, and point it out.

  4. I have a totally irrational hatred for any and all cheaters. I think I may have been the world’s biggest cheating victim in my past life because if you tell me you cheated on your boyfriend/husband, I kind of hate you and can’t be your friend anymore. And I don’t even fall for it in the movies… when you’re SUPPOSED to be all “oooohh they’re having an affair but they’re so MEANT for each other!!” I’m all ohhhh you’re having an affair and going to hell.
    So in sum, agreed… she should beat him with his clubs and then walk away.

    From Love – SO with you on this.

    • Belle – I totally agree on the movie thing. I never get it when they try to romanticize affairs. Like when Drew Barrymore talks Scarlett into going after a married man in that one movie cuz “he might be the ‘one'”. WTF?

      From Love – “He’s Just Not That Into You”!! HATED that movie. Except for Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck’s characters. They were alright.

  5. I completely am with your flummoxment about cheating. With one big exception… as far as I know, no one has ever invited me to cheat with them. I can’t figure out if this is because I’m hideous, missing things, or radiate “not gonna do it, no how”. Since I also got through college without anyone every once offering me an illegal drug, I’m guessing that my goody-two-shoes shows.

    From Love – I feel like I’m a goody two shoes too, which is why I’m always seriously shocked when married men think I’m interested. Who ME? One of the married dudes told me I was like “a hot librarian”. Whaaat? Are librarians hot?

  6. I, unlike Belle, am the douche that falls for every cheater in every TV show or movie because, “look how in love they are! they are supposed to be together! awwwwww….”

    But in real life, no thank you.

    From Love – You are not a douche. (To be sung to MJ’s “You Are Not Alone.”)

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