Hellz Yaz!

I’m pretty much done having my own kids.  Physically, I just don’t think I can do it again.  Although the thought of having more kids delights me. If I could snap my fingers and have a potty trained 3 year old delivered, I’d do it.  I’ve also tried to talk BD into us getting an Indian surrogate mother, or better yet adopting a few Liberian choir boys (all Oprah’s ideas) but he is not for it.  At all. Sure, these ideas do seem a little far-fetched, even for me, but I’d be lying if I haven’t fantasized about each for days on end. I’m not sure if it is because I might be able to get on Oprah if I did it or because they’re the best fucking ideas I’ve ever heard.  Probably the latter.

My deliveries were traumatic, and I’m not that psyched to get strapped down again while they cut me open while I’m still fucking conscious.  I honestly believe history will look back on this time and shake its head in disgust with the c-section rate at 46%.  I hate to admit it, but I have to side with Ricki Lake for once (please don’t tell Oprah I said that, or she will never leave Gayle) – but all of these medical interventions during the process of childbirth is going way overboard. Routinely cutting women open to deliver children is not okay. It really isn’t. It’s fucked up. But this post isn’t about that. Not really.

It’s about Oprah , I mean birth control.  Right now the point is to avoid giving birth again and I would be kind of surprised if I changed my mind about that.  But here is the rub – I’m stuck in a terrible Catch-22 of Epic Proportions. I’ve spent the last 15 years on birth control pills except for when I’ve been trying to have babies.  Until I was off the Pill, I had no idea I actually wanted to have sex. Really wanted it. I suppose this is because in nature, people are supposed to have the urge to procreate. But, at least for me, the Pill is like the ultimate sex kitten killer. And nobody likes killing kittens.  Especially the sex ones. And I had no idea that a side effect of the Pill is asexuality non-existent libido. I just thought I was tired or my vagina was extremely anti-social or something. But I didn’t realize that was just the Pill talking.  I think my vagina is an extrovert.

But here is where the Catch-22 happens: off the Pill I look like an oily teenager riddled with zits all over my chin.  I went out to lunch with my old PhD advisor the other day and — I swear this is true — when she saw me she screached, aghast, “What happened to your face!?” Uh, thanks. Good to see you again too. Yeah, so she lacks a certain tact, but I appreciate honesty. She told me I should go to the doctor immediately because something must be very wrong for me to have my chin boiling in huge puss-filled cysts. Sorry I have to use that verbiage, but I have to make it clear how disgusting my complexion gets.  Apparently that is me being off the Pill.  That is the trade-off. Libido or zits. Nobody wants to have sex with me when I remind them of Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles, but when I get that all cleared up on the Pill, I don’t want to have sex with anybody. Since I’m only allowed to have sex with one man, the world isn’t suffering, but we sure as hell are.  A conundrum, see?

So I relayed this information to my doctor recently. Her answer was Yaz. I was like, “Isn’t that the one for crazy people?” and she said, “Yeah, but it will clear up your skin. For God’s sake, you need it!” So I’ve been on it two weeks. Hmm.

Here are the pros:

  • relatively certain I won’t get knocked up because I don’t foresee sex happening ever again.
  • no new exploding painful zits on my chin.

Here are the cons:

  • relatively certain I am now completely asexual. ” This is bad, real bad. Michael Jackson.” – Kanye
  • relatively certain I have eaten several times today, but my body thinks I’m a lying SOB.
  • relatively certain I will gain 25 pounds by next week if I stay on this drug.
  • relatively certain I lost my mind at each of the 1745 slightest infractions by one of my dear, sweet, young insane children this last week. “Now I’m mad, real mad. Joe Jackson.” – Kanye

(Ooh. I’m excited!! Did you catch that? I just crossed the threshold of blogging where I describe all of my medical issues with prescription drugs in detail. YES!.  Now I just have to wait to be nominated for some type of blog award. I’m pretty sure I also have to be hella funnier and have more than 6 people read my blog too, but those are just technicalities. I have a prescription drug problem everybody – Put your hands up, ya’ll. Woot. Woot. Holla. Holla.)

So I will have to say “Hellz No!” instead of Hellz Yaz. But that puts me back at square one again. I have a bad feeling that zits and sex drive are linked to the surge in the same hormone.

Okay, dear Internet. It’s time to pull your weight and tell me which way to go on this – is it better to be un-pregnant, asexual and beautiful, or an un-pregnant whore with grotesque chin zits? And just to sweeten the pot, if you find a solution that allows me to be an un-pregnant beautiful sex kitten, I will send you the Oprah quote magnet featured here:

I have one of these on every magnetic surface in my home.  You can start your collection today, if you can solve my Conundrum of Epic Proportions.  I will also nominate you for a Genius Award, and who doesn’t want one of those?

Ah, crap. I have to go eat again.


9 responses to “Hellz Yaz!

  1. I feel like you just wrote about my life 5 years ago. Seriously, it is creepy. Except I wasn’t on Yaz, I was on Yasmin. I was on it for 5 years and was really confused why all of the sudden I was crying every night and why I was trying to punch my husband in the face every time he even looked at me in a some what sexual way. It was a really effective birth control in that no one wanted to touch me because I was sobbing and over-weight and really snappy.

    BUT! I got off of it….and libido SLOWLY returned. But so did the pimples. The only solution I have for you is to let it level out. You will get pimply for a while, but once your body gets used to not having those hormones, it will level itself out and you won’t look like a teenage pizza face anymore.

    This is what I did….got off birth control, got on an antibiotic for a couple months (for the acne) and I was cured! I mean I still get the break outs around period time, but nothing like I did right when I get off of birth control.

    OR have you thought about trying an IUD?

    Wow, I am going to stop talking now. Maybe I should write a whole blog post of my own about how Love can be a sex kitten….

    From Love – Nel, you are seriously close to getting the Oprah magnet, and I don’t take that lightly…thanks for the info. And about the IUD – anything with strings I have to feel around for each month kind of gives me the willies, especially since sex kittens like to play with strings…

  2. Bitch, I’ll hump you either way.

    From Love – You, me and Belle, baby!

  3. I say let it level out and for god’s sake go see a facialist/dermatologist who has some sort of magic potion for this type of thing. They are miracle people.

    Hooray for getting your mojo back!!! I would take pimples and hot primal sex anyday over clear skin!

    From Love – “hot primal sex” is the phrase of the day. I will use it at some point today at work and see what happens. Perhaps they will promote me.

  4. i have the Mirena IUD – it releases those wonderful hormones that might help with the acne…but it also kills ur period! yay 4 no period!

    & u don’t have 2 reach around 4 the string…i couldn’t reach mine if i wanted to…they just check at ur yearly 2 make sure it’s still in place & that’s it! no pills, no condoms…& no fucking period!!!

    my 5 year IUD just ran out – but i’m definitely going back 4 another 1!!!

  5. Just be pimply. Your funniness shall make up for it. If not, leave your husband for me.

    From Love – Thanks, Belle. I appreciate your offer, especially since Oprah has established that I can turn gay at any moment. And you are hot, so that is meaningful. Plus, Aunt Becky wants in on the action too. But until then, I think I will give up on the hormones, take Nel’s advice and get some antibiotics, the Pope’s advice and do natural family planning and J9’s advice and just have hot primal sex the rest of my life. Maybe there is a fetish I can take up that lets me wear a mask or something in the meantime…

  6. BTW, I have to give you a shout out for citing not one, but TWO Kanye quotes. Nice work Love.

  7. I prefer the birth control pill that gave me only 1 period every 3 months and also some nice brown mustachy facial discoloring right over my upper lip and next to my eyes. Also a nice trait – not as nice as pimples, but a sexy second.

    From Love – Man, I didn’t realize hormonal birth control sucked so much. Brown mustachy facial discoloring? Awesome.

  8. Your Big Boobed Sister

    Agreed, except for the natural family planning thing. I know MANY people who are the product of NFP. My friend uses it too… She’s expecting in December.

    From Love – I think with all the uterine scarring from my previous two, there probably isn’t anywhere left to implant. I’ll have to take my chances. Plus, the Pope so says, so…

  9. Pingback: Love’s PhD Trilogy: Exodus « (Love) Notes To Self

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