Bitch, Pleeze!

Here is the link an interview that my sister sent today with that bitch person who “lived Oprah” for the year and then wrote a book about it. You need to watch it. It’s like 5 minutes of the worst TV I think I’ve ever seen.

Have you watched it yet? Yeah, now you know why I am understandably incensed about this on multiple levels.

A) That should have been my idea because I live Oprah anyway.

B) How dare she question Oprah’s taste in footwear?

C) If that bitch bought everything Oprah told her to, it would add up to a lot more than $4700.  So she cheated.

D) Oprah made her do good for others, like provide books to female felons and save a cat’s life – what’s not to love? What sort of ingrate bites the hand that feeds the world?

E) Finally, when has Oprah ever ruined any normal person’s marriage or sex life? Well….I take that back. Forget point E.

F) She said people view Oprah like their BFF in a way which suggested that somehow that was crazy.  I didn’t dedicate my life to making Oprah realize I’m her soul mate so this dumb broad could come along and ridicule me.  I swear if I ever see her on the street, I’m going to give her a really mean look. Like, seriously mean. And then I’ll report her whereabouts to Gayle, and you can bet Gayle will give her the beat down she deserves.

That is all I’m going to say about this topic, which has wounded my soul very deeply.  If she can’t see Oprah for the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent spiritual healer and teacher who wears really good shoes most days, then she clearly doesn’t understand her subject matter and should be revealed to the world as the charlatan she is. You know who she reminds me of? Debbie Mathers. Eminem’s mom. When she made up that song about him to get rich just because she was mad that he has spent most of his professional life telling stories about how she was the worst mother of all time. I just don’t like when other people try to get famous off the back of someone with the Awesome in them.

I just hope when Eminem isn’t on the phone getting drug counseling from Elton John, he’ll reach out to Oprah to provide some support.

And I would ask that my loyal readers, though none of you like Oprah, light up your cell phones, wave them slowly in the air and watch Eminem’s “Cleaning out my Closet” video I’ve provided access to here:

Now you have just a little taste of the rage I have and the angry poetry that I’m about to write about this woman and her dumb book and send to Oprah and her producers in a beautiful laminated album. If you have any worthy submissions, I will consider them, but they have to be really good. I mean, really Oprah-worthy.

“That’s it. I’m done!” (Ben Affleck, Boiler Room)

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7 responses to “Bitch, Pleeze!

  1. Hilarious. And I would NEVER say a bad word about O. Mostly because I’m scared Gayle would give me a beatdown.

    From Love – I believe it is true that Gayle is a force to mess with. You are a very smart woman to stay on her good side. Because I have anticipated a fight to the death with her for Oprah’s best friend slot, I have been engaged in heavy Jedi training to overthrow her. But its been years, and I still think it would be close fight.

  2. 1. Where do I get this kind of book deal? WANT.

    2. Wait, wasn’t this already a book? Called Julie and Julia?

    3. $4,700? Are you kidding? That wouldn’t even cover the vitamins.

    From Love – See?! You totally get it. Totally. You’re in the club.

  3. Mommy Said What?

    You’re hysterical.

    From Love – Nobody gets to diss Oprah on my watch. Nobody.

  4. OH my gosh, LOVE, I saw this interview on TV and I totally meant to send you and email telling you that there was a chick that deserved a major ass beating. But apparently, this was a night before I got pregnant and I had a few too many glass of wine and I forgot to email you. But it is the thought that counts!

    Belle and I are really good a stalking people. If you want, we will hunt her down.*

    *This is a joke. Please do not come kill me CIA.

    From Love – I am thinking about putting together a posse together to find her and make her apologize for her disrespect. The truth is, she is just so insanely jealous of Oprah’s power and I can empathize, but when you mess the the bull, you get the horns…

  5. I’m curious; what were you doing at the moment that she announced that she wasn’t doing the show anymore? Did it involve a maniacal hysterical episode?

    From Love – if I’m being honest, I think I’m still wading through the 5 stages of grieving and I don’t think I’m that far along. It is easy to stay in denial since new episodes are airing as we speak. I feel like I should stay in this stage for as long as possible. Because I don’t want to unleash my anger on Oprah, even though I think I could take her and Gayle both.

  6. ~lmao~ clean that closet Love! ;0)

    ps. i’ll so join ur posse!

    From Love – You’d be great!! You get all of my hip hop references!!

  7. Haikus are easy
    But sometimes they don’t make sense
    Fuck Oprah lady.

    Is that good? An angry haiku?
    PS. What the hell? Comment on our blog or else we’ll live Oprah for a year without you and write many bestsellers.

    From Love – That was a good start for sure. I like the last line best. About your blog…WHAT?! My Google reader hasn’t reported any blog activity in weeks! I will go there now!!

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