Please try not to cringe while my 15 year old self regales you with her deep thoughts

In real life, I’m the sort of person that would never, ever knowingly humiliate someone privately or publicly. Never ever.  But I decided recently to make an exception to this rule. I think it is okay to do it to my 15 year old self, since she is gone and her friends won’t find out and its been 18 years.  God, when did I get so damn OLD?

My 15 year old self was totally ridiculous and hilarious and retarded, and I’m not sure whether it will be funny, but then I read Steam Me Up’s high school poetry, laughed until I cried, and decided that adolescent relationships are probably some of the funniest stuff on the planet. Except when you actually are 15, and then they are pretty tragic.

I went back into my journals and came up with the dramatic rise and fall of my first relationship, with a boy named Mike. We lasted approximately 3 months, but to my 15 year old self, it was like a lifetime.  I’ve copied it all verbatim, except where you see red. This is where the me now couldn’t help adding commentary on the me then.

6/26/92:

Maureen (my best friend) is going out with Malcolm who is a total sweetie except that on their one-month anniversary he didn’t give her anything she could remember it by. (gasp!) She got him a card, but it seems stupid that he didn’t even get her a flower. A week from today is our anniversary and I bet Mike will do the same thing as Malcolm. It wouldn’t  surprise me. He took me to Pinocchio tonight and we saw Layla and Bruce there. Layla got a perm and she looks GREAT! (Layla plays no role in this story, but I feel it is important to highlight that I thought perms were awesome)

6/30/92:

We didn’t fight tonight. I was happy. I think when I tell him that I love him I’m starting to mean it. I said it early on prematurely because he kept talking about how much he loved me and I felt bad not saying anything. I think our definition of love is very different. Its confusing. I’m really wondering about Friday though because I have a feeling – I know – that he’ll play it off like it was any other day. (it is SO not “any other day”! Its your one whole month anniversary. SO important.) If he got me flowers I would be so happy, but I know he won’t because he doesn’t think ahead and it probably won’t even occur to him that flowers would be nice. I got him a card but nothing else, so I don’t know.

7/1/92:

Mike called and Maureen was over and before I knew it she was talking to him about our anniversary. He forgot.  He was so sure that it would be on a Wednesday since he asked me out on a Wednesday (June 3). He can be so stupid. (Why wasn’t Mike consumed with thoughts about your impending 1 month anniversary?! I totally don’t get it) Well now I wonder if Mike will do anything for Friday. We were going to the zoo, but I guess not because his dad wants him to work. But I wonder if we’ll ever go. (Oh no! What if you don’t EVER see a zoo AGAIN?! Really? The zoo?!) We better because I want to take tons of photos since we have none.

One thing that bugs me is that Mike and I have never frenched. (cringe) Not that we should, but I wonder if he is thinking about it too. I’m waiting for him to make the first move, but if it doesn’t happen its fine – I’m not pushing it, but I just want him to be comfortable.

7/3/92:

Mike called and we had a long talk about everything and he told me that he was thinking since I didn’t love him he thought he shouldn’t love me and maybe it’d be better if we broke up.  I was like “well, I do love you” and he said he knew now and he didn’t know what he was thinking. (puking all over the keyboard. this was hard to type.) Whatever. I kept thinking about it and I screwed up in Driver’s Ed.

We went to the carnival tonight and he gave me a red rose for our anniversary.  I was surprised because he told me yesterday that presents were stupid and then asked what I wanted for our anniversary.(This guy is such a winner) I said nothing so I figured he wouldn’t get me anything. Then we started kissing and it was uncomfortable because I kept losing my balance because we were on a hill and he’s taller so I kept falling. It was funny. I started laughing. He must have felt really cool.  I think he had to settle down a little because it seemed like he was just trying to get his tongue in as quickly as possible. (laughing/cringing/laughing) I didn’t see why.

7/9/92:

Mike’s rose is still alive!

Okay, so then I write extensively for two more months about how we always fight, but I love him, but I don’t, but does he love me? And I should break up with him? But if I do, then who will I go to Homecoming with? And then his friend Tony starts liking me, but I don’t like Tony, but we become friends, but Mike gets jealous and we fight about that a lot too. So lets pick up just as my junior year of high school gets underway…

8/27/92:

Yesterday at school Mike was cordial, but it wasn’t as if he wanted to look too much like we were going out.  I figure we haven’t much time, although I wish it was like before because I still like him — I just feel like he doesn’t like me.  Well today he called me and he was nice today! That’s new. I think I’ll write him a note tonight and give it to him tomorrow. I’m going to ask him about our relationship. I told him I loved him, but I don’t think I do – but I’m not sure. I better write him a note about it. (AWESOME plan, Love. Write him a note about it – that should do the trick)

8/28/92:

Well, today was the day. Mike and I broke up. I gave him the note I wrote which mainly says, I love you, but our relationship sucks so tell me how you feel. He said “I want you to know you’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you…but I think its better if we spend time apart from each other” so I asked if we were ‘seeing’ each other and he said ‘yes’ and I asked if we’d see other people and he goes, “Yeah, what the hell?”. I was opposed, but hes like “well there isn’t anyone else I want to see” and I said me neither. (Umm…if you break up, the whole point is to not be together anymore, but this concept clearly goes over my head…)

8/29/09:

Day 1 without Mike. He didn’t call. I’m not going to call him first – I’ll leave that up to him. (Stay strong, girl. You’re really showing him!!) Tony hinted about Homecoming a dozen times after he found out about Mike and I. I’m not going with him so I don’t give him any ideas. I don’t know what I’m going to do about Homecoming, though, because I really need a date. I hope everything with Mike turns out.(Um, he just broke up with you. I don’t think its going to “turn out”.)

8/30/92:

I went to the mall with Maureen and Mike called but I wasn’t home. I found the dress I want to wear. Its green with flowers and lace. Its so cool. (Green with flowers and lace? No wonder you can’t get a date) I hate not knowing whether Mike will ask me to Homecoming or not. The uncertainty is killing me. Tony keeps hinting about Homecoming and I just do not want to go with him. My brother doesn’t think that Mike will ask, but what the hell does he know? (a lot more than you do) I’m nervous about tomorrow. I think my best chance for Homecoming is getting Mike, so I’ll try my hardest on him. (laugh out loud – whaaaaaat?)

9/3/92:

I wrote Mike a note that mainly said I miss him but I don’t want to go out, so at lunch yesterday hes like, “Lets just end it”. I was sure after he broke up with me we wouldn’t go to Homecoming,(uh, right…) and we probably won’t but there’s still a chance although slim. (YOU. are. a. DUMBASS) I really don’t miss Mike much anymore – I’m getting over it but I really wanted to go to Homecoming. My life sucks!

9/6/92:

So much has happened! On Friday (9/4) I hated Mike. Mike and his friend Mark came to the football game together and Mike was wearing the sweatshirt I told him I loved on him and his hat backwards that I’ve always loved. (damn him!) I went down from the bleachers and put my arm around Mike and he flinched and pulled my arm away and then Mark was looking at something behind me and said “Mike there she is all alone! You should talk to her”. And they were looking at someone behind me, so I almost started crying first because I felt totally rejected, and second because I had some outside hope that maybe Mike would ask me to Homecoming. (this is where I wish “He’s Just Not That Into You” had been written in 1991 and given to me by my mother. Love – he is not going to ask you to Homecoming! Please, please figure out soon that he dumped you a week ago!) I left with my friends because I was practically hysterical. I found out the girl he likes is Amber. She is a sophomore. She is way too hot for him (I win the self-esteem prize here). Plus, Jody said her friend Marlon asked Amber to Homecoming last year and she laughed in his face, and at the carnival yesterday, Jamie said Amber is going out with a senior named Jason. I can’t say I’m not happy.

I went to a college football game on Saturday with Maureen and this guy my parents know named Chris thats my age. We had an awesome time. I’m going to set up my friend Jody with Chris.  Nothing happened today out of the normal except Chris called and we talked for about 45 minutes. I was surprised he called.  Hopefully Mike pays for his insensitivity and I get on with my life. That will be cool, I believe.(indeed)

9/7/92:

Chris, Jody, Tony and I went miniature golfing today so that Chris and Jody could get to know each other better. It was fun. Mike called and I said I was on the other line and I would call him back – of course I didn’t. Then he called again and asked if I was mad and I said I couldn’t talk. (Finally, some pride.) So then 10 minutes later a girl called for my brother and she sounded familiar but I just couldn’t put my finger on it so I asked who she was and she paused and my (12 year old) brother picked up, so I let him talk.  It was Mike’s sister. Mike asked my brother why I was mad and he told him because he blew me off at the game and Mike asked if I still wanted to go to Homecoming with him and I was like “Did I ever?” (Um, yeah, Love. That was pretty well established) but anyway – he asked about my love life and was happy to hear there was someone in it. (Reggie (who?! first mention of this character) or Chris) I might go to Homecoming with either.  I can’t believe Mike would go so low as to talk to my brother and my brother told him everything he wanted to know! My dad grounded him for doing that.  All my friends are going to Homecoming except me. I wonder if Mike is still thinking about asking me if he asked my brother that? (My eyes are bleeding. Please stop this madness! STOP!) I probably won’t even say yes anymore.(ugh)

9/9/92:

Yesterday all my friends were mean to Mike and Jody decided she didn’t like Chris.  Oh well. Tony called me to give me Mike’s defense and I told him off and then he told me I totally ignored him when we went miniature golfing and I was a slut because I flirted with Chris the whole time.(Wowzah! It didn’t take too much to be a slut back then) I know I talked to him a lot, but I had no idea I was flirting. I told Tony he was jealous and if not, he had no reason to be mad because we went as friends and it wasn’t a date. Well – I asked Chris to Homecoming with me. (FINALLY, you might stop talking about going to the damn Homecoming dance. Please tell me you are over this zero named Mike) I see it as a totally “friend” thing, and I hope he does too. Tony is going to be pissed out of his mind I think. Oh well.

9/13/02:

Well, I haven’t spoken to Mike since last Friday when he proved to be such a fucking prick (I salute you. Calling people mean names is the first sign of acceptance. Maybe you are no longer under the impression that Mike still likes you). I found out that Mike likes someone else now. He is so horny. Oh, I guess I am too.

And there you have it. I went on from Homecoming to date Chris for a whole 9 months. That one ended on or around Prom night when he “was totally checking out this slut who would probably give him a blow job if he asked” at the dance.  She eventually did.  I didn’t really put out in high school, so I was at a major disadvantage there.

Anyway, for the next six months after the Mike breakup, I’m pretty sure every time my girlfriends and I would go out, I would make sure we drove past Mike’s house just so I could see if he was home or not or what he was doing. I would assess this by whether his car was in the driveway or his bedroom light was on. Then we would go the house of whoever Jody was pining for and stalk that kid. It was REALLY, REALLY, pathetic but there wasn’t much else to do. But I like to think it was good I got it over with in high school, or I may have been this lame and clueless in college.  Wait – I was still pretty lame and clueless in college and there are journals to prove that as well. We’ve already been over my aversion to three-ways.

For what its worth, that first relationship/breakup actually taught me a ton. Like, that ex-boyfriends might have their little sister call my little brother to get information, so feed your little brother awesome tidbits about your raging sex life, even if you don’t have one. Or that when a person says “You’re my best friend, but we should spend time apart” it means you are getting dumped and that he likes someone named Amber or Misty or Dawn or Summer, or all of them, and he is very done with you. Being friends afterward is totally impossible, so don’t even go there. And if a guy is just trying to see how fast he can stick his tongue in your mouth, he sucks at play. He will be terrible in bed. So please don’t lose your virginity to a guy with a tongue thrust.  I took all of these lessons to heart and all helped later in life, except for the one about telling my brother about my pretty pathetic high school sex life. That was pretty uncalled for. I’m sure he’ll agree.

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5 responses to “Please try not to cringe while my 15 year old self regales you with her deep thoughts

  1. I’m so happy this story ended with Mike being a fucking prick. I think the plot development and the way that you so obviously gained self esteem and whatnot through the whole experience… makes this whole story Oprah- worthy. You should submit it to her 17 times more than you usually do.

    From Love – I bet Oprah dated a tongue thruster along the way. Perhaps she can relate.

  2. Wow – you had such a social life in high school. I was a complete recluse. So I am living vicariously through you! This is better than Days of our Lives! 🙂

    From Love – HUGE cultural divide! I’ve gathered that from your blog. Which is probably why I’m so fascinated by it!

  3. i was rolling laughing at the 15yr old u! i so need 2 dig out my old journals now…oh, the horror!

    From Love – Oh, do it!! But give yourself a lot of time and a lot of compassion. I’m so embarrassed by how stupid I was, and I thought I was totally deep and worldly. Although I’m sure when my 65 year old self checks out the me now I’ll probably be mortified then too!!

  4. “I think when I tell him I love him I’m starting to mean it.” HAAHAA, ohhh, memories. Remember when it was like, When are we going to say I love you?? We’ve been going out for 2 weeks already!!

    You actually seemed mature (not just because you use the word “cordial”, although that was impressive), and I’m even MORE ashamed now because clearly I was stunted in many ways.

    From Love – No way! Your poetry rocked! I can’t believe I dated this guy for 3 hours, let alone 3 days. Live and learn…

  5. “He was so sure that it would be on a Wednesday since he asked me out on a Wednesday (June 3)”

    Bahahaha!

    15 year old love makes my stomach hurt. I almost had to stop reading because I almost threw up thinking about how miserable I was at 15 because WHY WON’T BRENT CALL ME BACK?!?!? GAH!

    From Love – Brent was a hottie’s name. I would’ve stayed by the phone and waited. Or had my best friend call him and asked if he liked me while I listened on 3 way calling. That was the best invention EVER.

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