Thanks for the offer, but I guess I just don’t feel like a three-way today

You already know a lot about my friends:  the one who kicked me out of her wedding, the pathological liar, and the one who I’m currently teeing up to be my new best friend.

And then there is Oprah. Which just goes without saying.

Now, if  I may tell you about Stella…she was my best friend my freshman year of college. Our friendship started the first day of school when we realized we both had a jones for pot and gummy bears and lived across the hall from one another, which I suppose is how most freshman friendships commence.

Stella was a red head from Connecticut and really granola and she could quote Nietzsche which I thought was really meaningful at the time, even though I didn’t know shit about Nietzsche.  I can honestly say I still don’t know shit about the guy, but if someone quoted him, I’d probably still be impressed.  Anyway, at the time, she seemed like a pretty solid choice for someone to hang out with – and lets face it – I didn’t know anybody so it wasn’t like I was going to be super choosy.  My roommate was alright but she was a classic Jersey girl in that she went through a bottle of Great Lash mascara every 3 days and had long nails and I’m pretty much the antithesis of a classic Jersey girl, so I had to look beyond my own room to find my college BFF.

I’m not sure what Stella saw in me, but my money is on how many Abercrombie & Fitch flannels, and pairs of Doc Marten’s and Birkenstocks that I brought to the relationship. Oh, and that I was someone she could count on to go out to the forest and smoke a bowl with her whenever she felt the urge.

Her friends back home would mail her pot and she would share it with me and I didn’t have to pay for it.  I think that is a pretty solid foundation for any budding friendship.  Plus, if she weren’t supplying, I wouldn’t be getting high because I have nothing against smoking marijuana but I do have something against purchasing it.  Because that seems kind of criminal and kind of expensive and kind of pot head-ish.  In my own mind, I couldn’t really be a drug user unless I spent my money on it.   But I was ALL FOR getting high most days, so I liked to think of myself as just being sociable.

So Stella and I became best buddies and we have a great time together and our friendship appears to be progressing normally until my hometown honey comes to visit.  This is the kid I failed to break up with in high school because I thought we would be together forever. I’m a serial monogamist. Anyway, he comes to visit and Stella seems to think he is the best thing since sliced bread.  She is hard core flirting with him, which I wasn’t sure what to make of. But he was a good boyfriend and didn’t really flirt back.  So we decide to go get high together and we’re talking and then completely out of the blue, Stella is like, “You know what? We should totally have a three-way”. Somewhere in the background, a record scratches. Whaaaaaaaat?

I went to a Catholic university. One where you have to sign a contract that says you won’t have sex outside of marriage. If they catch you, you’re out. It’s pretty much disregarded by most students, but I bring it up because it wasn’t like we were at some liberal school where people have gay flings and participate in orgies on a regular basis. And I can also attest that doing drugs on a regular basis was also a bit out of the norm, so we’re talking about a very conservative place.

“Whaaaaaaat?” I said.

“We should totally have a three-way, dude. It would be so cooooooooo-ul.” she replied. She was very fond of making the word “cool” last for 4 to 5 seconds.

My boyfriend doesn’t know whether this is the best thing that ever happened in his life, or if one wrong move would mean a kick in the balls via my steel toed Doc Martens. Eventually, he wanted to have children, so he said nothing.

“Um…what I think would be cool is if we ordered breadsticks from Papa Johns”  I said awkwardly. “Thanks for the pot, though.”  I got the distinct impression that neither Stella nor my boyfriend liked this answer, but they went with it because a three-way requires three people and it was clear there were only two seriously pondering it.  So three of us didn’t have our own little orgy in the forest and I just wanted to forget that the conversation ever happened. She was just high, so I was sure it meant nothing.

Inevitably, me and hometown honey break up and I start kind of liking this other guy at school. So one day the three of us are at a party and we’re getting pretty loaded and Stella says, “Wouldn’t it be coooooooooo-uhl to have three-way?”  WTF? Um. No. This guy was probably a virgin and just kind of giggles like he won the lottery and he’s like, “Seriously?” And they both look at me and I’m like “Oh, hell no! If you two want to fuck, go for it, but count me out.” And the guy looks at Stella like “what are we waiting for?” and I thought she’d probably go for it but then she’s all, “I was totally kidding, dude. I’m so high right now….”

So over time, it becomes normal for Stella to suggest having three ways with me and any and all guys I’m interested in at very awkward moments. When I asked her why she often asks about having three ways in regular conversations, she says she is just kidding, but it is clear to me that she is not. It didn’t occur to me at the time to ask her if she was gay or bi, because she seemed to have fun having sex with many of the male stoners we got high with all the time, so I didn’t question it.

Anyway, the year drags on and Stella eventually drops asking if I want to have a three-way with her, which was a great relief. I wanted my first three-way to be special, which is why I was saving myself for Angelina and whoever else she wanted to invite. But Stella gets more and more heavily into drugs and I kind of go the other direction.  I was pretty sure I was getting dumber and I couldn’t really afford any more brain cells, so by spring I just stopped getting high.  And I started hanging out more with her roommate, whose Costco gummy bear jar Stella and I would raid whenever we were high.  She went on to become my best friend, who would eventually kick me out of her wedding. I know, right? I am awesome at choosing friends.

Turns out that Stella was bipolar and she got all weird and had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward at some point and she wound up leaving the University to pursue going to Grateful Dead concerts, collecting crystals and having three-ways.  We kind of lost touch for a while after that.

Until I got a call out of the blue a few years after I had graduated from college and settled in Chicago.  Stella was doing a “road trip” with a couple of her friends who were in a relationship together and she wanted to know if she and they could crash at my place.  Sure. I guess.  I was dating BD at the time, so I was like, “You have to meet my friend Stella. She is a total trip. But if she asks if we want to have a three-way, the answer is no.” I think he had the sense then that he had totally missed an opportunity that could have been awesome.

When she got to Chicago we had a nice time together and she didn’t actually ask us to have a three-way, so I considered the visit was a success.  However, she did send me a postcard a few weeks later from Colorado that she did in fact have a three-way with her traveling mates, and they broke up over it, so the trip kind of turned into a big bummer. She was baffled by the bad luck of it all.  I guess some things never change.

Somewhere in this world, Stella is probably either having a three-way or suggesting one as we speak.  I still await a call from Angelina.  God speed, Stella. God speed.

But seriously, are three-ways pretty common everywhere, or just in Connecticut?


8 responses to “Thanks for the offer, but I guess I just don’t feel like a three-way today

  1. Stella is for sure a lesbian. And by the way, you went to lunch with your mom crush recently, CORRECT? Why are you holding out on this story? I must know.

    From Love – Stella is married now. Maybe bi? And mom crush is on Wednesday. Do you think I should bring flowers?

  2. That’s really, really weird. I mean, wow. She must have thought you were smokin’ hot.

  3. I mean, it’s not weird that she thought you were hot, it’s weird the way she went about trying to hump you.

    From Love – Thanks for the clarification. I agree. She could have totally been like, “I’m totally gay for you” at any time, but for some reason, she needed to have a man I was into involved.

  4. Love it – Just picturing this person going through life obsessed with three-ways, like the “oral” guy that Charlotte dated on Sex and the City. Never been the three-way myself – always thought it was something noone ever did but pretended they did to make themselves appear far more interesting!

    From Love – I’ve never had the desire, but I’m not saying never until Angelina Jolie dies or gets her AARP card.

  5. Conservative Canberrans (in Australia) are much more into swinging than multi-waying. But for some reason the swingers are always REALLY SCARY in how they behave and look…kind of smarmy sweaty creatures in 100% polyester. Perhaps that’s nature’s way of keeping their numbers down!?!

    From Love – Ewww. Sweaty polyester and sex have so little in common for me.

  6. total lesbo!

    From Love – HAHAAHAHA!

  7. You must have thought that I hated you or something. I just looked at my reader and you have 3 new posts! Holy crap. Am the worst blogger on earth. But, you, you are the best.

    Truth is, there is something kind of huge going on in my life. AH!

    Would you like to have a threesome with Belle and I? Eww. I take that back. Unless the answer is yes.

    From Love – Thank Godyou haven’t forsaken me. You and Belle are 2/3 of my readership. And I would totally be into a three-way with you two if that’s what it takes to get two hits on this blog. Plus, you guys are hot. Plus, we could all blog about it and it would be so cooooooooo-ul. Maybe that would finally get Oprah’s attention.
    BTW – hope the totally huge thing is a totally good thing.

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