Hysteria – Love’s Mom Crush, the Finale

How sad that the only living woman in the universe that was made to be my best mom friend didn’t ever go anywhere.  I had lost Kirsten, but I still had Oprah. No, I didn’t have Oprah either. Things weren’t looking great, but I moved on.

I kind of let the Kirsten thing go for a couple of years….if by “kind of” I mean I still had weekly thoughts about our blended family commune.  I wound up never finishing my research because I decided that my dream of being an absent-minded professor wasn’t as important as my dream of reproducing again. At the time, I didn’t see a way I could make both happen.  So I became a PhD dropout, sold out to The Man and wound up preggers again.

Maybe it was the hormones (whoremones?) and that I wasn’t getting enough sleep due to all that night orgasming I was doing, but Kirsten came back to mind.  What if somehow she never got my Evite? I mean, it said she never even opened it up. so there was a good chance she didn’t even KNOW I had planned a party in honor of us taking the next step in my pursuit strategy. Maybe she was thinking about me, and then when she realized that she wanted to invite my family to her next Disney World vacation, she would look for me at the university we shared and I would be gone. No forwarding address.  She would be heartbroken. The thought made tears form in my eyes (but it wasn’t enough for me to have them slowly roll down my cheek because I was fanning them so vigorously with my hands), so I decided that I must get back in touch with her again – two years after the disastrous party idea.

But first I polled all my friends to ask if that was weird and if I should do it.  Everyone told me to go for it, because I think they’re the type of people who like to drive very s  l  o  w  l  y past grisly car crashes, or TiVo and rewind a million times when Britney made her big “comeback” at the VMAs.  Yep, those are the types I chill with. So my friends and aquaintenaces encouraged me to go for it, knowing this would probably only end in disaster, and they wanted to have a front row seat. But the truth was that I was going to do it whether or not they approved — I just wasn’t going to tell them about it if they hadn’t.

My name is Love and I am a stalker.  I took a deep breath and wrote Kirsten an email, out of the blue, two years after our last contact.

I actually have the entire exchange in my email still and I’m thinking about reproducing it here, but Kirsten might see it and get mad at me. I don’t think she ever thought she would turn into a moving three-part series about a psycho-stalker who saw her as prey a potential best friend for life on a blog focused on an obsession with Oprah.  But she did, and hey – what the hell? So I guess I will show you what was written, word for word.  Here goes:

To Kirsten, From Love:

Hi Kirsten,

Its been over a year since we last spoke, but you may remember I interviewed you about finding daycare for E. How is he? Are you guys still going to [that daycare]?

A lot has changed on my side since then – I actually left the PhD program at [university] last year so I could spend more time with my boys – the hours just got too crazy…I still work full-time (now at [company]) and I’m expecting a second son in a couple of months. I guess we’ll have that in common now as well.

Anyway, I just thought I would reach out and say hi and see how things are going with you. Are you still working at [university]?  Maybe we can catch up over coffee (or McDonalds – lol) sometime!

Best Regards,


Kirsten responded!! One day later:

Hey Love! Congratulations! Wow – these are big changes. I can understand why you left the PhD program. Even though you’re working full time, I bet it’s easier to leave work at work.

Now that E. is a little bit older, our family seems to be in a comfortable groove. We took him out of [that daycare] about a year and  a half ago and enrolled him in the [daycare] here on campus. Honestly, it was life changing. We love it and E. is thriving. I don’t have such negative thoughts on centers anymore…live and learn I suppose!

I would love to meet for coffee and catch up sometime – are you at [address]? If you’re downtown, maybe we can meet for lunch?

OH MY GOD. She is totally into me. RIGHT?! I mean, she responded right away and wasn’t even like “WTF? Why are you writing me two years after I did a stupid interview for you, psycho? Psycho, fuckface!” No. She sounded jazzed. Maybe I’m not crazy and I didn’t misinterpret our intertwined destinies!!

Over a few more emails we established a time and a place. I’d meet her on campus and then we’d go somewhere from there. So I’m thinking maybe Corner Bakery or Cosi or something like that, but when I got there Kirsten suggested somewhere much better and much cooler. We went to a small restaurant in a nearby museum that was really artsy and cool and only blocks away from campus. Did I say I love her yet? I do! I do!!

So I think lunch went really well this time and we just talked about stuff that friends talk about, so it was really our first real date and all I had to do was make her reveal her love for me so we and our families could sail off into the sunset….The only thing was that I was pregnant. REALLY pregnant. Like, giving birth in 5 weeks pregnant.  And I was huge.  I had the full-on preggers waddle and people would stop me and ask if I was having twins or just avoid me for fear I would go into labor at any moment.  My “little” guy turned out to be 9lbs, 12ozs, and non-pregnant I wear XS shirts,  so I was kind of hideously  HUGE. (I tried to add a picture here, but I’m WordPress challenged).

Unfortunately our lunch date had to end but I wasn’t leaving without a commitment that we would be BFF.  I asked her if I could see her again. She said yes, but that they were going on vacation for two weeks in a couple of weeks.  Given my due date that meant I couldn’t get together with her again until after the baby, and it takes at least three or four weeks after a c-section to feel normal again, so the soonest we could get together was two months later, and I’d have a newborn.  And my newborn turned out to be very sick in the beginning, so we didn’t get his surgery and medical issues put to rest until he was like 10 weeks old.  And by then, my beautiful date with Kirsten was a distant memory. And I was this new person. A new person addicted to porn. Remember?

So we emailed back and forth a few times and we couldn’t ever get a day to meet up that worked for her kids and my kids and slowly, slowly, we drifted apart again.  We never consummated our relationship with a secret handshake that I had secretly practiced so many times.  It just died out…and we aren’t BFF right now. We’re not in touch. Although I do think I’m LinkedIn with her…

As I wrote these posts this week I got all nostalgic and psycho and thought of doing it again — emailing her another two years later  out of the blue and asking her to go out for lunch again. But at some point you have to let it go, right? And now that I wrote all this about her, if we every became friends I would have to tell her and she would read it and get all creeped out and violated and then she would un-link me on LinkedIn.

But…..I did it anyway.  Today I emailed her again. I’m so creepy. GOD! I’ve come to accept that our love may have jumped the shark back in 2007, but I’ll let you know if anything changes….and then I will write the final finale for real, for real. Oh Oprah, I need you now more than ever.


4 responses to “Hysteria – Love’s Mom Crush, the Finale

  1. YESSSS!!!! I was reading the second to last paragraph and my thought bubble was all like noooooooo. Must. not. end. this. way. And then I was going to comment and tell you that you better email her again because you’re soulmates. But you did, and so yay. Here’s hoping for a speedy enthusiastic reply!

    From Love – See Belle – you are like all the rest of my friends!! Encouraging me to be psycho isn’t good for anyone…except those who like train wrecks… 🙂


    Sometimes you have to force people to marry you and sometimes you have to force people to be your BFF. Love, everyone knows that.

    Did she respond?!?

    From Love – Looking back, forcing BD to marry me was genius. Aren’t fake pregnancies delicious?

  3. omg, this is so fun – following along in real time…can’t wait 2 hear that she responded right away & u’re rekindling ur love once more! ;0)

  4. Bwahahahaha! I just love you.

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