I like to believe I’m open-minded and everybody has valid points and everybody is entitled to their own opinions and whatever, whatever, but I’ve decided that all of my Facebook “friends” who are super conservative staunch Republicans and want me everyone to fucking know it are annoying assholes. I have seriously considered de-friending all of my bitchy war-mongering, liar-protecting, poor people-hating, dumb ass arch conservative friends because they, and their Facebook statuses, bring me down. I can’t help but feel intellectually and morally superior to anybody who voted for Bush/Cheney twice and then voted for Sarah fucking Palin and isn’t even embarrassed about it. Okay, so maybe I’m not very open minded. No. I’m not. And I hope before I defriend them, they defriend me because I feel dirty being linked to them, even if its only electronically, but they delight in torturing me, so I doubt they will take the high ground.
Now, I’ll admit they probably hate me too because I am a Facebook friend who people think is a Democrat and wants everyone to know it, but really I just like to have very dirty dreams about the President. All that hope and change talk gets me all hot and bothered and I just can’t help but lust after him. I so want to be his Monica Lewinsky — well, not the cigar part — but definitely the blue dress part, right after he reads me the Gettysburg address, and as we listen to “Yes We Can” . I want to have his love child like Rielle had John Edward’s. Except of course, I love him because he isn’t an asshole like Bill Clinton and John Edwards, so the blue dress concept/love child might go right over his head. Come to think of it, I picked the fucking worst Democrat to fall in lust with. I don’t think our mutual love is ever to be. A lot like my relationship with Oprah. Suffice to say we have a very complicated love triangle on our hands, but I think I’m the only one that is very bothered by it all.
But anyway, about my own political views — I’m not sure if I’m a Democrat and I honestly don’t hate everything Republican. I just think health care should be considered a basic human right in the richest country in the world, and I feel like having a bunch of poor, uneducated people in this country makes us worse off, so I’m all for educating them so they don’t have to be poor, but that is all really secondary to my very dirty love of Barack Obama. I don’t know if that makes me a Democrat or a bleeding heart liberal or a perv, or just a homewrecker. Maybe all of those things as well as being extremely annoying to my Republican frenemies.
So I’ll put some dumb innocuous status up like, “I wish Obama would give us a three day weekend every month” and then I get responses from people writing, “He’s already given lots of people 7 day weekends. Those kind of weekends i can do without. 😦 ” It is all I can do not to comment back, “Fuck you, fuck face! And don’t ever sully my Facebook status in this awful way this again!”, because I’m trying to use my words, but I’d rather use a waterboard, which I know they would approve of because Cheney told them it was okay, so long as somehow he was making money off it.
At times like these, I envision a world where all of the people who think people without money don’t deserve health care, and poor kids don’t deserve an education, and fear is a good excuse for war, and that free markets can solve every problem, and that women who do not want to have a child should bring them into the world anyway even though they won’t give her a job, a dime, childcare assistance or any help once that happens, and that God only loves Christians and white people, and that they can add their crazy uber conservative rhetoric to my Facebook statuses would all move into Texas together and then secede from the Union and wave their confederate flags around and talk about how great their state is and friend each other on Facebook and defriend me and leave the rest us the fuck alone. The only problem with that plan unfortunately is that I don’t think they’d all fit in Texas. So I’ll throw in Lousiana too. Sorry Lousianans. And we’d have to split up Facebook too. I wish them all luck. They aren’t bad people. They just have painfully bad ideas. I think. And I should know, because I have a lot of them myself. Like the one I just wrote about.
But I will ask a higher power (Oprah herself) to give me the compassion I need for my extremely conservative Republican Facebook friends, but I swear to GOD, if they post any more comments on my statuses that in any way insult the Man I Will Wear A Blue Dress For, I’m going to lose my shit. And lose them too. As Facebook friends, forever. Then who will they have to torture?