Indeed, the best way to know whether or not you are in the presence of a sex offender (before he sexually offends you) in 2009 is if you are in the presence of a man sporting a mustache. I’m not talking about beards or goatees or all the other stuff. I’m talking about a mustache only. Its the universal sex offender secret code that says, “See, I have a mustache and I will do very bad things to you if I get the chance. If I’m not currently sexually assaulting you, you can bet I’m thinking about it.” Don’t believe me? Go check out the sex offenders in your area and 90% will have mustaches. The other 10% had to shave them off in prison.
Although that might be a bad example because Love’s Law applies only to men with mustaches. So the mathematical proof is something like: If mustache, then sex offender. Not If sex offender, then mustache. I’m making this clear because I don’t want my readers to be pissed when they find themselves in the clutches of someone sexually assaulting them and he doesn’t have a mustache and now you’re blaming me. Some of them know the universal sign and choose to ignore it just to be tricky, thinking you’ll get Love’s Law all backward and agree to help them get something out of their big, scary van with no windows at night because they don’t have a ‘stache.
Now, there is one caveat to Love’s Law #1 and that is, for whatever very disturbing reason I don’t want to delve into, sometimes cops like to have mustaches too. I don’t know whether they think the mustache looks good on all the sex offenders they pick up or what. But sometimes cops have them too, and hopefully they aren’t sexual predators on the side. So I will give a pass to the cops with mustaches – they may not be sex offenders, but they clearly have no taste, so I would advise them to get rid of it as soon as possible. Its creepy, it does not help them get laid and its a threat to public safety.
Now, this is a pretty universal law, and just prove the point I have added a poll here so that others can vote on the validity of this observation. If it comes out as I suspect it will, then perhaps I can update Wikipedia and reference this poll. Also, next time Oprah does a show on catching wanted sex offenders, this could serve as a good rule of thumb to catch those bastards. So please take the poll and let me know….
Some more proof of Love’s Law #1 sent in by a savvy reader.