I’m almost 100% positive that I’m straight except for whenever I see Angelina Jolie, but I have an unhealthy fascination with lesbians. I mean, gay guys are really easy to figure out. Guys are either gay or they aren’t. Margaret Cho told a joke once something along the lines of “Ladies, if your man wants to have a three-some and he wants the third to be another guy, there is no bi-curious going on there. He’s gay and you’re just a front for his life on the down low.” I’m sure it was funnier, but you get the point.
Anyway, so if you’re a guy you know whether you’re gay or straight and if you’re gay you’re either a top or bottom and that’s all there is to it. I’m actually proud that I know the last fact because most of my world knowledge is acquired directly via the Oprah Winfrey Show, and in my encyclopedic knowledge of her show, she’s never discussed bottoms or toppers. I learned that from a friend of a friend and it has been corroborated through several jokes I’ve heard on TV, which have probably been around a long time but went over my head for many, many years.
Anyway, so then there are lesbians. My hairdresser claims to be bi, and I kind of believe her, since she has had several girlfriends and I think she dated her transgendered “male” roommate for some time. She didn’t really tell me whether he still has a vagina but its really all I wanted to know the whole time she was talking about it, because if you are dating a “he” who was a “she” and “he” still has “she” parts, are you a lesbian or are you straight? Same with all the couples that Oprah parades on her shows who were a straight couple and then inevitably the man decides he is really a woman inside and gets a sex change and then his wife is all, “well, she is my best friend and we have kids together, so I couldn’t leave her, could I?” If I ever have to start calling my husband “her” and “she”, I’d leave “her” in a heartbeat. But whatever. Why doesn’t Oprah ask the obvious questions? Like A) Do you still have sex? B) If you do, does that make the husband-turned-wife/man-turned-woman gay as well? C) Is the original wife a lesbian now? Inquiring minds want to know. Oprah, this is not me being mean to you, this is just my way of constructively criticizing you. Gayle doesn’t give it to you straight.
But as I’m wont to do, I digress.
This post is about LESBIANS. Not transgendered (understanding that might require an entire blog) people. Okay, so back to the topic at hand. Lesbians. Is there a lesbian equivalent of bottoms and toppers? I mean, is one person a giver and one person a taker? Because that seems pretty fucked up, unless you’re the taker. I could be lesbian if I didn’t have to do anything except receive pleasure. If I’m just sitting there while somebody’s making me some kind of hot mess all the time, sign me up. Its the giving that makes me queasy. I don’t like playing with my own girl parts, let alone someone else’s. I’m convinced the only reason men like to play with vaginas is because they have no fucking concept of all the shit that happens down there when they aren’t looking. If they did, no woman would ever get head. See, that’s actually the best defense of Intelligent Design I can think of. God made men completely clueless so once in awhile women could orgasm. But surely lesbains are well aware of how vaginas work. And they’re still into it?
The other thing I stay up nights fretting about is whether one day I’ll meet some chick and be like, “I’m totally gay for her” and then I leave BD and my kids and I’m suddenly wearing Crocs and loving Cher, signing up for Showtime and driving a Subaru. Oh shit. I already drive a Subaru. See, this is why this is a very serious concern. I wouldn’t think this happens, except that Oprah totally had a whole show about it last season. And I learned that women are much more likely to be all over the Kinsey scale, which essentially measures how gay you are, so you can be mostly straight and then turn gay on a dime. That means I may wake up next week and be totally gay. But I think BD would probably be okay with that, so long as he gets to watch. The issue is that I’m not sure I would be okay with it, because if I did turn gay all of a sudden, I feel like the chick I left my old life for would have to be someone pretty smoking hot. And I mean, I’d want a really feminine lesbian lover, so does that make me have to be the butch lesbian?
I got a rat tail in third grade (I know – where were my parents?) and they gave me this bowl cut and the whole situation scarred me for life. I’m not ready to get my hair spiked and gain 35 pounds and buy a motorcycle. I mean, I’m not a super feminine straight woman, but I’d like to think I’m at least three pairs of Crocs away from being butch. So you’re probably thinking, “Some lesbian couples have two femmes”, but like I said, I’m not very girly, so even if I didn’t change anything, chances are that next to Angelina my partner, I’ll be the butch. And that’s just not okay. I don’t even know how to fix anything. No feminine lesbian would ever want me because I’m just not butch enough. I might live my life completely alone if I turn gay and that would be so sad. I’ve discussed some of these fears with my hairdresser. She isn’t that hopeful. She recommended some books that they sure as hell don’t sell on Amazon, and that’s where I draw the line.
I’ve gone through other avenues to get piece of mind about if I turn gay what I have to do. I’m pretty good friends with two lesbian couples but I know them because they’re my neighbors and our kids play together and it just hasn’t come up at the potluck dinners. “So do you guys have mostly oral sex, or…what? God, this potato salad is delicious! ” Because they don’t really ask me about my sex life, so I feel like I would be breaking a million social norms to bring it up, but I’m curious as all hell and secretly I try to get them really drunk so they tell me. I envision getting them so liquored up on Mike’s Hard Lemonade and then I could casually just bring it up as if I hadn’t been obsessing over it for the last 5 years and then they would answer all my questions in vivid detail and then the next day I’d be like, “God, I totally don’t remember anything we talked about last night, especially the part about lesbian sex.”
It feels good to get this off my (very small) chest. I hope some knowledgeable lesbians will pick up this blog post somehow and school me on all the mechanics of being a lesbian in case I turn into one next week. I need some advice on how not to be butch, and whether or not it is likely that I can find a partner that loves to giveth but not taketh.