The Internet has me convinced that I’m ADD, and since this is a serious problem that affects millions of Americans, I want to use this popular blog as a platform to diagnose others. You probably have ADD too, or cancer. Probably cancer. It happens to the best of us. But I started trying to figure out if I was ADD because I totally get distracted easily, especially when I’m on the phone making dinner and my kids are fighting and small kitchen fires are popping up everywhere. So I found this list of symptoms (that I’ve conveniently cut and pasted below) out there so that we can take this test together and we can see who is more ADD -me or you. I bet me in most cases, because if you’re more ADD than me, no WAY you get through this list without checking Facebook.
Here it is: Do you:
- get distracted easily? I THINK I ALSO HAVE AN INTERNET ADDICTION.
- have difficulty concentrating on one thing at a time? YEP, ESPECIALLY DURING SEX.
- tend to be disorganized? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOUSE?
- have a hard time focusing or paying attention during conversations, listening to others, or while reading? I SO LACK FOCUS DURING CONVERSATIONS WHEN I’M NOT THE ONE TALKING.
- often forget things like appointments or obligations? YEAH, NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, WHENEVER MY FRIENDS MOVE AND LAMELY OFFER PIZZA AS SOME SORT OF PAYMENT I ALWAYS FORGET I SAID I’D HELP.
- have trouble following directions that have multiple steps? I DON’T KNOW. WHENEVER I COME ACROSS DIRECTIONS , I THROW THEM AWAY AND MAKE UP MY OWN. WHO HAS TIME TO READ WHEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING INVOLVING MULTIPLE STEPS?
- have difficulty starting and finishing projects? YES. BUT I HAVE SUCH EASE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM.
- tend to procrastinate? AT TAX TIME ESPECIALLY.
- have trouble prioritizing information? NOT WHEN ITS ABOUT ME.
- get impatient easily? WHEN MY KIDS TRY TO TELL ME STORIES ABOUT THEIR DAY, IF IT DOESN’T INVOLVE ME I ASK THEM TO NET IT OUT FOR ME. I’M READYING THEM FOR MANAGEMENT IN THE CORPORATE WORLD.
- often feel restless and antsy? ONLY WHEN I’M AT WORK, IN THE STIRRUPS AT THE OB-GYN, SOCIALIZING AT MY KID’S SCHOOL, OR WATCHING SCOOBY-DOO.
- lose track of time and have trouble with time management? YEP, ESPECIALLY DURING SEX.
- often misplace or have difficulty finding things at home or at work? SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOUSE?
- act before thinking through consequences? THIS WOULD EXPLAIN THE MAJORITY OF MY EX-BOYFRIENDS.
- speak or blurt out before thinking about the impact your words will have on others? OH YEAH, LIKE WHEN I TELL PEOPLE WHO ARE GETTING TESTS AT THE HOSPITAL THAT THEY PROBABLY HAVE CANCER. THAT PROBABLY COUNTS.
- tend to have lots of racing thoughts? I SERIOUSLY HATE NASCAR. AND TRACK TOO. NO.
- get bored easily? DO THESE QUESTIONS EVER FUCKING END?
- tend to make careless mistakes when you have to work on a tedious or difficult project? IF BY ‘MISTAKES’ THEY MEAN “CUT YOURSELF” THEN YES.
- take risks frequently? WHY DO ALL THESE QUESTIONS CENTER AROUND MY SEX LIFE?
If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions and the behaviors are severe enough that they interfere with your daily activities, it is possible that you have ADD. An accurate diagnosis can only be made by a trained professional. Depression, bipolar disorder, substance addictions, anxiety, phobias – all may share some similar symptoms to ADD, so it is important that your doctor rule out other conditions that require different treatment.
I don’t know about you, but I think Anna Paquin and Renee Zellweger are fugly, and that really bothers me, because the whole point of being an actress is to be hot. Unless you’re Meryl Streep. I don’t know what her point is. She is just masochistic. She gets nominated for Academy Awards just for showing up on set, but then she never wins because people vote for someone hotter in the end. Anne Hathaway is so much hotter than Meryl, thats all there is to it. If I were a betting woman, Renee Zellweger could only win an Oscar when all the other chicks in the category were uglier, but that scenario seems statistically impossible. And its good I’m not a betting woman, because I think she won one. Pity votes. Or maybe some sexual favors were involved. Probably a lot of both.
I shouldn’t be so mean – its just that I’m agitated and restless because I can’t find my fucking mouse. I’m having trouble finishing this thing. I’ll come back after Facebook.